Now I’m probably going to get a bit of stick for this because, like many art forms, BDSM is open to all manner of interpretation and rightly so. We all have the right to express ourselves freely as consenting adults. But there comes a time when even art is called into question, or at the very least, scrutinised.
To add some context to my perspective, I should point out that I’m a 24/7 Dom escort and I have a number of clients who I work with to help nurture their sexuality. I’m not Mr. Slap and tickle nor am inclined to tie people down and beat them into submission in a cold sterile room, although I can certainly recommend someone if that’s your thing. I also think Hollywood has a lot to answer for regarding the widespread confusion and misunderstanding amongst those unfamiliar with the beautiful art of BDSM.
In any case, I think most responsible and reasonably well-adjusted people within the BDSM community would agree that with much freedom, comes great responsibility and care. BDSM is not a magic wand that will instantly fix your problems and make you awesome. The reality is that if you’re a lousy partner in the vanilla world, you’ll more than likely to be a lousy partner in the world of BDSM too. So I think it’s important to acknowledge who you are at your core, as this will ultimately determine your approach to BDSM.
We may all want different things from our life of kink but there are some key elements that most safe, sane and consenting adults would probably agree on. For me, I have distilled these down to 9 core principles of nurturing because that’s who I happen to be at my core.
1. Emotional Health: In my opinion, this will be the primary focus of a ‘good Dom’ and they will do everything in their power to ensure the mental health and emotional well-being of their submissive. A ‘bad Dom’ on the other hand might not even consider this to be important because they’ll be too wrapped up in their own head to notice.
2. Sexuality: I believe as a ‘good Dom’ you are fully responsible for the sexual development and pleasure of your submissive as they are under your control. A ‘bad Dom’ will neglect this because they will be more focus on receiving pleasure and ensuring that all their sexual needs are met.
3. Fitness and Health: For me, as a professional 24/7 Dom, I require my submissive to be fit and healthy so they can cope with the sometimes stressful and demanding tasks bequeathed to them. This can include instructions to attend the gym or regular health checks to ensure that they receive a clean bill of health so I can push them to their limits in relative safety. A ‘bad Dom’ will pay very little attention to this area and some may even go as far as allowing the consumption of alcohol during play sessions which should be punishable by severe flogging, preferably at the hands of their own intoxicated submissive.
4. Appearance: A good Dom will pay attention to the details, including suitable attire and offer guidance and support where needed. A ‘bad Dom’ will overlook this and insist on a submissive wearing unsuitable clothing that could jeopardise their safety during a session. In instances like this, I’d suggest including a clause in the contract that holds the Dom legally responsible for any injury caused to their submissive during a session.
5. Behaviour: This is an interesting one for me personally as I have an anecdote that I’d like to share. I was recently contacted by a new client who wanted to embark upon a 24/7 Dom/sub relationship with me which was fine – Initially. The issue is that after having spent time with them it was clear that she was not yet ready for this type of lifestyle. Instead, I suggested something entirely different to help her deal with certain issues that she is facing. A ‘bad Dom’ would have attempted to break her pattern of behaviour, which would only have compound her issues and made them worst. In this clients case, I recommended Tantra which I felt would be much more beneficial to her.
6. Life Balance: This may not be relevant to most because you may only engage in BDSM during specific times of play. But within the context of a 24/7 Dom/sub relationship, the issue of life balance is a big one and can be the cause of much stress and relationship breakdown. A ‘good Dom’ will take the time to discuss how BDSM can be incorporated into your life whilst allowing you to function as a normal member of society with all the usual responsibilities that most of us have to deal with. A ‘bad Dom’ will make unfair demands and insist on compliance and even worst, they may try to enact disciplinary measures and demand you comply. At this point, I’d advise running for the hills, as this is usually a recipe for disaster.
7. Duties: When it comes to nurturing a submissive, duties and tasks are an integral part of their development. Some of the duties I have set for my clients range from attending Yoga classes and spa days to visiting therapists and sex councillors. This would probably never occur to a ‘bad Dom’ as they would be too busy setting pointless chores that they could quite easily do themselves.
8. Punishment: Ouch! Literally! As a word of warning, please be very careful if your Dom punishes you when they are angry. In my opinion, punishment should be meted out calmly, as a form of correction for unacceptable behaviour, or as a form of pleasure, not when a Dom is foaming at the mouth and decides to whip 50 shades of grey out of their submissive.
9. Contract Negotiation: This for me is like the Holy Grail. It lays the foundation upon which your life of kink will evolve. Both parties are on an equal footing and should ensure that they are getting exactly what they want from the relationship. I also think it’s important that contracts remain fluid and subject to review on a regular basis as our lives change. If your Dom insists that you stick to whatever is agreed regardless, they are clearly more concerned with their own needs than that of their submissive.
Ultimately when it comes to finding the right Dom, you need to have a clear understanding of what you want and where your boundaries lie. If they don’t tick the right boxes, it’s best to move on and find another, as they are unlikely to change. These are my personal views based on my own interpretation of a Total Power Exchange (TPE) relationship which I refer to as ‘DSN’ – ‘Dominant, Submissive and Nurturing’. You can find out more about DSN here.