Friendville

Most of us have been there at some stage although I doubt anyone ever really intended to visit. You kind of wind up there through pretentious ‘gay best friend’ like behavior that’s disingenuous and counter productive. What I mean by this is that because of a fear of rejection we position ourselves as a ‘friend’ providing comfort, a shoulder to cry on, or a shopping buddy, all the while waiting to pounce like a hungry Hyena in a their moment of weakness. But it’s too late, you’ve already set the frame and you’ve taken a one-way trip to Friendville with tumbleweeds included.

Now of course I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with being a genuine friend but if you eat grass and moo like a Cow don’t be surprised when you get treated like one. The key to avoiding Friendville are two concepts that many of us seem to struggle with; ‘authenticity’ and ‘acceptance’. Authenticity is simply being real about your intentions. If you want to fuck her say so in which ever way works for you. At least she knows what you want from the get go.

That’s easy enough but ‘acceptance’ seems to be the hot potato that most of us find difficult to handle. Queue the gay best friend’ routine which is designed to mask your sexual intentions and present you as an almost asexual individual who wants nothing more than to cuddle up on the couch, watch movies and engage in girl talk.

There will of course be some who mange to slip through the net during her moment of weakness but you’ll probably be branded as an opportunistic Hyena rather than a snarling Lion that’s about to rip her clothes off and perform all kinds of acts that would shame the devil.

If she does end up spreading her legs to a Hyena she’ll more than likely get buyers remorse and be weirded out by the whole experience. She’ll also probably start to distance herself because you can’t be trusted to be the gay best friend and you certainly won’t be considered a Lion. This isn’t to say that friends don’t often end up in relationships but when it’s a calculated Machiavellian type plot to get in her knickers this is different ball game entirely.

Moral of the story; be direct, honest and up front …and if the object of your desire doesn’t reciprocate, accept it and move on. Lions pick and choose, Hyenas get the left overs, be a Lion.

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Blame: A default response

Blame seems to be our natural reaction when shit goes wrong. It’s his fault, it’s her fault, it’s that fucking table legs fault. The truth is that people (and inanimate objects like the table leg) are going to do fucked up shit and we have to deal with it.

I learnt this this the hard way after a very painful and emotionally draining break up some time ago. After what seemed like the ‘perfect relationship’ suddenly deteriorated and vanished in to thin air like a fart in the wind, I was left dumbfounded and genuinely hurt like I’d been kicked in the balls – repeatedly.

For a good few months I felt bitter and unable to focus on anything meaningful, full of blame and disbelief that someone who I thought I knew was a completely different person. Then one day it struck me, this painful experience was literally the best thing that had happened to me in years. I realised that I alone was responsible for how I choose to deal with ‘stuff’ regardless of who’s to blame. I learnt to accept the situation and take responsibility for my life.

It was like that profound life changing moment in the movie ‘Limitless’ when he pops the magic pill that allows him to see everything. For days I let the concept of acceptance and responsibility filter through my consciousness – it was almost surreal. What happened to the feeling of betrayal? What happened to the stomach cramps that caused my loss of appetite? What happened to the misery of a painful break up? Suddenly it was all gone.

It had dawned on me that I’m the only one responsible for the shit life throws at me, even if some completely random haphazard event turns my word upside down. Blame is a useless emotion as it adds no value to my life; all it does is shift the power from internal to external.

The ability to objectify our demons is like observing ourselves in third person. It’s the ability to be conscious of our actions and the motives behind them and decide if it’s the best path for us to take. If it is, I can make the conscious decision to embrace it, if not I can cut it out. The same logic can and should be applied to all the people who inhabit my reality. If they don’t bring anything positive to the table they need to be removed or at the very least taken out of circulation so they have as little impact on my life as possible.

We bitch and complain about our partners, friends and work colleagues, maybe it’s time to take responsibility for the situation and manage it accordingly. If they continue to cause havoc in our world clearly the blame lies with us. It’s like getting mad when the fox eats the chicken; it’s in his nature, accept it. Better to change our reality than to try to change his.

Upon realising this little nugget of wisdom, I seem to have experienced a Buddha like inner peace – which is pretty fucking awesome. Everything is a lesson and everyone is a teacher whether they know it or not. Good and bad are invented concepts because what is bad today can be good tomorrow. We only believe what we believe until we believe something else.

Apparently the earth was once flat and as ridiculous as it sounds, I can assure you in years to come they’ll be laughing as us too.

Liar, Liar

Why do we lie? We lie to alter outcomes. We lie to control situations that are not always ours to control. We lie because we fear the repercussions. Why do we cheat? We cheat because we don’t want to accept the consequences of the truth. We cheat because it’s the easy way to get what we want.

“He doesn’t understand me but he’s a good dad so I’ll fuck the bad boy and it’ll be our little secret!” or “She’s not freaky enough in the bedroom but my side chick does things that would shame the devil.”

Justification conjured up to mask the fear of losing what we have. We are now slaves to our lies and when they eventually come to light as they often do, drama ensues – Integrity diminished, trust equity squandered, your word isn’t shit.

Maturity is not based on age, it’s based on self-awareness and acknowledgement of the universal laws that govern us all – one of them being that you reap what you sow. The ability to tell the truth and accept the outcome is a signature hallmark of a person with integrity and substance – meaning when they speak their words carry weight and whether you like it or not, you know where you stand. They don’t pander or suck up to curry favour, they don’t tolerate brattish or bitchful behaviour and when they cut you out for acting up you’re left feeling perplexed because you never saw it coming.

For many of us guys, the notion of being completely upfront and honest with a female for the most part seems counter intuitive. For sure we could have more notches on our bedpost if we lie, cheat and deceive but there comes a point when a mature man refuses to sell his soul for pussy. He knows the value of what he brings to the table and he’s discerning with whom he decides to invest his time in. If his desires are not met he’ll be honest with himself and others and he won’t hang around or string the other person along. It’s about quality not quantity and time is the most precious commodity we have. But yet we stay in relationships that clearly add no value to our lives and we let fear dictate our actions.

I believe a mentality of scarcity in finding another and the feeling of having invested too much to quit is what often paralyses us in to a state of perpetual denial. But what price would you place on your peace of mind and the power to direct your life as you see fit? What price would you place on your ability to curate the experiences that shape your reality? For something so valuable we are quick to pawn it out in favour of the path of least resistance. We put up and shut up, we tolerate and accept, we remain still when we should be in motion. We lie to ourselves and others in the hope that the same old actions will produce new results – this is the very definition of insanity.

Be prepared to lose what you have in order to gain what you want. The truth hurts but the truth sets us free.

The Maturity of Acceptance

Most of our internal reflection happens during moments of adversity and turmoil. When shit goes bad we are forced to analyse the situation in our attempts to rectify it and stem the bleeding. It was during one of these painful moments when I realised the power of acceptance. This is not to be confused with accepting our people’s bullshit, this is about accepting the reality of the situation and directing your energy towards more favorable outcomes.

Our inability to accept reality can often cause us to loose all rational as we attempt to control the uncontrollable, even to the point of murder and suicide in extreme cases. This is a dark dangerous place for the mind to dwell and we have all spent time there to one degree or another.

As I mature as a man I learn how to create my reality through conscious thought and decisive movements. Direct, clear and concise communication is the hallmark of self-awareness – it’s a life long discipline and I’m a keen student. I’m aware that it’s far easier to change my own perspective than to try and change others. This is simple logic but emotions are not logical, emotions dictate that if we want to fuck the hot girl we met in the bar we have to paint a certain picture regardless of how genuine it may or may not be. Who cares right? So long as we achieve our objective and she spreads her legs.

This mentality is rife and it causes us to lie, cheat, bend, manipulate and suck up in order to get the ‘prize’ – sex is not a prize, sex should be mutually rewarding for both parties. But due to our reluctance to allow the chips to fall where they may we now find ourselves in their reality, not ours.

A mature man doesn’t lie, cheat, bend, manipulate or suck up in order to get what he wants. He lays out his stall giving the other person the opportunity to make an informed decision based on a genuine representation of the man before them. Acceptance of reality dictates that if the other person is of a different mindset, we have the discipline to walk away. In doing so we retain control of our reality and may continue to shape our world as we see fit.

Scarcity and a lack of options with the opposite sex often causes many of us to cling to unrealistic expectations of changing a person or trying to be something we are not. Most of us have been there at some stage in our lives and I’m sure we can all attest to the shortcomings of this approach.

The ability to accept reality gives us the power to reframe our perspective and be true to ourselves and others. You may not always get everyone you want, but you will get what you want, and it will be on your own terms.

The truth really does set you free.