For the many highs I experience in my line of work from meeting fascinating women to the wonderful locations that I travel to it’s not without its drawbacks. Relationships tend to be a bone of contention for the women in my personal life and as much as I completely understand why, when the ultimatum comes for exclusivity (and it’s usually does) I find myself in the familiar position of having to let go and accept the situation.
They say that if they were special I’d change my mind, that I wouldn’t allow them to walk away and that I’d change my line of work. What they don’t realise is that all my life experiences (including my profession) have shaped me in to the person they have fallen for.
They usually say they regret falling for me because they knew I’d never change my course of direction and again I understand. They ask if I don’t long for something deeper than what I have but for me I still don’t subscribe to the notion that I have to be monogamous in order to experience a special connection with someone in a meaningful relationship.
I’ve learnt to accept that people will see things based on their own perspective so there’s little use in me trying to change their opinion. It’s better for me to respect their decision and let them go for their own sake. The downside is that I sometimes lose people who I have a genuinely deep affection for but I still have let them walk away.
Why you may ask? Because my path is much bigger than any one person or any one relationship – and to coin a cliché, “it’s really not them, it’s me”. We get so caught up in our emotions that they often cloud our perspective. It’s not always about the individual and what they bring to the table, sometimes it’s more about where the other person is in their life and the path they have chosen.
I wrote a piece about the power of acceptance and the ability to stay true to oneself. This is not always easy and sometimes it’s darn right difficult when you don’t want to see them walk away but this is the price I pay for the freedom I enjoy to express myself in the way I choose to.
As I listened to an audio book on Buddhism today I realised that the ability to let go and be content with oneself is the true source of happiness. At some stage in the future if and when I choose to change the path that I am on then so be it, but until that day I will embrace life and the secrets it has yet to reveal. Like a child at Christmas I wait with almost baited breath at what the next adventure may bring.
This is me just airing my thoughts in my own little therapy session – which I’m convinced keeps me in a healthy space mentally…after all, why shouldn’t I, it’s my fucking blog;)
Monogamy is still the yardstick for which we use to judge a person’s character. ‘He’s an honest reliable man with a wife and kids’ – Otherwise implying that anything else should be afforded less status due to our narrow-minded views of human relationships.
Personally I don’t think monogamy is a mans natural base instinct and the divorce courts are jam packed with men who have succumb to their desire to fuck other women. The issue here isn’t fucking other women; the issue is how you choose to go about it. I believe a man (and women) should honour their commitments so if you have entered in to an emotionally and legally binding agreement (the institute of marriage) you should be true to yourself and your partner.
Admittedly this is easier said than done because most of us enter in to relationships with the wrong mindset, and I have been guilty of this myself in the past. There are many reasons why we end up in relationships but perhaps some of the most common reasons are the need for security, support, companionship and regular access to sex. There is nothing wrong with embracing these feelings but it’s usually the insecurities behind these emotions that cause the cracks further down the line.
With these emotions comes the weight of unrealistic expectation and inevitable disappointment in the form of resentment and hostility. Hence the stereo typical nagging wife who contemplates leaving in the hope of finding a new ‘one’ and the despondent husband in the strip club who pays a women to listen to him bitch and complain while he secretly wants to titty fuck them.
The sad truth is that the same half naked women in the strip club probably has a man at home feeling exactly the same as the other guy, so what’s going on here? I think over familiarity and unrealistic expectations kill attraction – so the same woman who you couldn’t wait to rip her clothes off and fuck her on the kitchen table is now the miserable wife in doors with rollers in her hair telling you to take out the garbage before you come to bed. Oh, and by the way she’s got a headache so you’ll end up jacking off quietly in the bathroom hoping she doesn’t notice. I’m not slamming monogamy but I am saying that this ‘ideal’ is not the only recipe for a happy and fulfilling relationship.
At this stage of my life open relationships work well for me, it’s what I want and I’m mature enough to accept that this may not be everyone’s cup of tea. For me I’m able to show genuine affection and share a deep connection with more than one women without feeling the need for exclusivity. I’m secure enough within myself to respect her right to fuck other guys (or other women if I’m invited 😉 ) without trying to control her. My relationship with her is very individual; I appreciate her for who she is mentally and physically and I value what she brings to the table. If and when this ceases to be true we will part company in a respectful manner without the drama of a messy breakup because the parameters of our relationship have been established from day one.
This is not to say that open relationships don’t have their challenges, of course they do because if you value the other person’s feelings you still have to accommodate them in one way or the other. But for me these are issues that I am prepared to deal with because of the value that I place on these relationships. My stance is not based on the principle of kissing many frogs to find an exclusive princess, it’s based on my honest desire to explore and express myself intimately with multiple partners who all bring something unique to my life.
If and when I do decide to choose an exclusive relationship I intend to refrain from layering on unnecessary expectation and methods of control that ultimately kill attraction.
We’ve probably all believed it at some stage, the ‘soul mate’ myth – he’s the one, she’s the one, only to find out that they’re not the one at all. They’re simply the one we chose to ‘settle down’ with at the time because it felt right or because we didn’t have any better options.
The more I think about the wide spread myth of ‘the one’, the more and more illogical it seems. In a world inhabited by 7 billion people what is the statistical probability of you bumping in to ‘the one’ in your local supermarket? Obviously upon closer inspection this myth clearly seems like Disneyfied nonsense but we buy in to it anyway. Why? Could it be the widespread social conditioning that encourages us to settle down with ‘the one’, raise a family, follow the rules and live happily ever after if we’re lucky?
The ‘one’ doesn’t exist, we choose ‘one’ who ticks enough of the right boxes and invest in them and our relationship in order to make it work.