Blame: A default response

Blame seems to be our natural reaction when shit goes wrong. It’s his fault, it’s her fault, it’s that fucking table legs fault. The truth is that people (and inanimate objects like the table leg) are going to do fucked up shit and we have to deal with it.

I learnt this this the hard way after a very painful and emotionally draining break up some time ago. After what seemed like the ‘perfect relationship’ suddenly deteriorated and vanished in to thin air like a fart in the wind, I was left dumbfounded and genuinely hurt like I’d been kicked in the balls – repeatedly.

For a good few months I felt bitter and unable to focus on anything meaningful, full of blame and disbelief that someone who I thought I knew was a completely different person. Then one day it struck me, this painful experience was literally the best thing that had happened to me in years. I realised that I alone was responsible for how I choose to deal with ‘stuff’ regardless of who’s to blame. I learnt to accept the situation and take responsibility for my life.

It was like that profound life changing moment in the movie ‘Limitless’ when he pops the magic pill that allows him to see everything. For days I let the concept of acceptance and responsibility filter through my consciousness – it was almost surreal. What happened to the feeling of betrayal? What happened to the stomach cramps that caused my loss of appetite? What happened to the misery of a painful break up? Suddenly it was all gone.

It had dawned on me that I’m the only one responsible for the shit life throws at me, even if some completely random haphazard event turns my word upside down. Blame is a useless emotion as it adds no value to my life; all it does is shift the power from internal to external.

The ability to objectify our demons is like observing ourselves in third person. It’s the ability to be conscious of our actions and the motives behind them and decide if it’s the best path for us to take. If it is, I can make the conscious decision to embrace it, if not I can cut it out. The same logic can and should be applied to all the people who inhabit my reality. If they don’t bring anything positive to the table they need to be removed or at the very least taken out of circulation so they have as little impact on my life as possible.

We bitch and complain about our partners, friends and work colleagues, maybe it’s time to take responsibility for the situation and manage it accordingly. If they continue to cause havoc in our world clearly the blame lies with us. It’s like getting mad when the fox eats the chicken; it’s in his nature, accept it. Better to change our reality than to try to change his.

Upon realising this little nugget of wisdom, I seem to have experienced a Buddha like inner peace – which is pretty fucking awesome. Everything is a lesson and everyone is a teacher whether they know it or not. Good and bad are invented concepts because what is bad today can be good tomorrow. We only believe what we believe until we believe something else.

Apparently the earth was once flat and as ridiculous as it sounds, I can assure you in years to come they’ll be laughing as us too.

Stiletto: Inherently sexual

Among all the items of clothing and accessories in a women’s closet none have the power to transform her body and mind like a well-crafted, seductively high-heeled stiletto.

By all accounts the high-heel shoe is clearly not designed to be practical, it’s more a labour of love with a somewhat masochistic nature. There’s a certain shoe that she knows will be unbearable by the end of the night but the way her body responds with a roll of the hips and the thrust of the shoulders is utterly irresistible – there is pleasure in pain. The shoe is unforgiving and offers no place to hide, you’re either fully committed to the performance or the shoe will buck and kick like a wild horse refusing to be tamed.

Louboutin said “The stiletto is a feminine weapon that men just don’t have.” – I agree. The transformation that takes place when a women slips in to a pair of stilettos and the radiance of power sexuality is something that completely captivates men without a comparative rival. Most men don’t really see the shoe but we feel the energy, we feel the presence when she walks in to a room or when she glides past us at Liverpool Street station in the summer. It’s like the entire body has been sculpted literally from head to toe. The elongated neck line and the upright position of the head, the drop of the clavicle bone as it sways left to right, the curve in the back that accentuates her arse, the calves that signify she’s mastered the art, not to mention the arch of the instep that resembles the position of the feet when she experiences a deeply satisfying toe curling orgasm.

It’s fair to say that not all women feel the same, some prefer comfortable flats, trainers or the pointless invention that is the ‘kitten heel’. Each to their own and far be it for me, a man to dictate that a women should suffer for my sexual pleasure but being a creature of natural instinct and desire I reserve the right to discriminate as I see fit. This may be a gross generalisation considering my views are heavily shaped by a western mentality due to my geographical disposition but I am yet to meet a woman who is sexually in tune with her body who wears sneakers all day.

There are of course some unfortunate souls who should in my opinion never attempt to wear high heels no more than a bull should attempt to tip toe. Walking in heels is a skill, most of which can be learnt but not all can be taught, and the most tragic of all is the woman who’s completely unaware. I once saw an attractive female with a decent body walk past me in a club with the grace of an orangutan and the posture of a sloth. It was really awful – an image that I never forgot and regardless of how attractive she may have been on the inside I could never be drawn to that. If this makes me shallow then I’d happily own it because despite what some people say, for me the physical is just as important as intellect and sexuality. They’re the three fundamental pillars of attraction and deserve equal prominence in the selection process.

And as for the insecure man who feels too vertically challenged for his women to wear high-heels; this would be laughable if it wasn’t so tragic. The countless times I heard women state that they stopped wearing heels due to an over bearing partner not feeling ‘comfortable’ with her towering over him makes me embarrassed on behalf my gender – are we not men? Give me a fucking break.

With the level of sexual suppression and judgmental scrutiny that exists in so many facets of our society I think we should embrace anything that helps us to express what’s buried deep within. One of the most happiest memories I have was when I spent time in Italy learning the beautiful art of shoe making and experiencing the energy and excitement that a women feels when she finds that special shoe that not only fits her feet, but her heart as well. It’s not just the shoe that you fall in love with; it’s the uncontrollable emotion that you feel in your gut.

Liar, Liar

Why do we lie? We lie to alter outcomes. We lie to control situations that are not always ours to control. We lie because we fear the repercussions. Why do we cheat? We cheat because we don’t want to accept the consequences of the truth. We cheat because it’s the easy way to get what we want.

“He doesn’t understand me but he’s a good dad so I’ll fuck the bad boy and it’ll be our little secret!” or “She’s not freaky enough in the bedroom but my side chick does things that would shame the devil.”

Justification conjured up to mask the fear of losing what we have. We are now slaves to our lies and when they eventually come to light as they often do, drama ensues – Integrity diminished, trust equity squandered, your word isn’t shit.

Maturity is not based on age, it’s based on self-awareness and acknowledgement of the universal laws that govern us all – one of them being that you reap what you sow. The ability to tell the truth and accept the outcome is a signature hallmark of a person with integrity and substance – meaning when they speak their words carry weight and whether you like it or not, you know where you stand. They don’t pander or suck up to curry favour, they don’t tolerate brattish or bitchful behaviour and when they cut you out for acting up you’re left feeling perplexed because you never saw it coming.

For many of us guys, the notion of being completely upfront and honest with a female for the most part seems counter intuitive. For sure we could have more notches on our bedpost if we lie, cheat and deceive but there comes a point when a mature man refuses to sell his soul for pussy. He knows the value of what he brings to the table and he’s discerning with whom he decides to invest his time in. If his desires are not met he’ll be honest with himself and others and he won’t hang around or string the other person along. It’s about quality not quantity and time is the most precious commodity we have. But yet we stay in relationships that clearly add no value to our lives and we let fear dictate our actions.

I believe a mentality of scarcity in finding another and the feeling of having invested too much to quit is what often paralyses us in to a state of perpetual denial. But what price would you place on your peace of mind and the power to direct your life as you see fit? What price would you place on your ability to curate the experiences that shape your reality? For something so valuable we are quick to pawn it out in favour of the path of least resistance. We put up and shut up, we tolerate and accept, we remain still when we should be in motion. We lie to ourselves and others in the hope that the same old actions will produce new results – this is the very definition of insanity.

Be prepared to lose what you have in order to gain what you want. The truth hurts but the truth sets us free.

Monogamy Debunked

Monogamy is still the yardstick for which we use to judge a person’s character. ‘He’s an honest reliable man with a wife and kids’ – Otherwise implying that anything else should be afforded less status due to our narrow-minded views of human relationships.

Personally I don’t think monogamy is a mans natural base instinct and the divorce courts are jam packed with men who have succumb to their desire to fuck other women. The issue here isn’t fucking other women; the issue is how you choose to go about it. I believe a man (and women) should honour their commitments so if you have entered in to an emotionally and legally binding agreement (the institute of marriage) you should be true to yourself and your partner.

Admittedly this is easier said than done because most of us enter in to relationships with the wrong mindset, and I have been guilty of this myself in the past. There are many reasons why we end up in relationships but perhaps some of the most common reasons are the need for security, support, companionship and regular access to sex. There is nothing wrong with embracing these feelings but it’s usually the insecurities behind these emotions that cause the cracks further down the line.

With these emotions comes the weight of unrealistic expectation and inevitable disappointment in the form of resentment and hostility. Hence the stereo typical nagging wife who contemplates leaving in the hope of finding a new ‘one’ and the despondent husband in the strip club who pays a women to listen to him bitch and complain while he secretly wants to titty fuck them.

The sad truth is that the same half naked women in the strip club probably has a man at home feeling exactly the same as the other guy, so what’s going on here? I think over familiarity and unrealistic expectations kill attraction – so the same woman who you couldn’t wait to rip her clothes off and fuck her on the kitchen table is now the miserable wife in doors with rollers in her hair telling you to take out the garbage before you come to bed. Oh, and by the way she’s got a headache so you’ll end up jacking off quietly in the bathroom hoping she doesn’t notice. I’m not slamming monogamy but I am saying that this ‘ideal’ is not the only recipe for a happy and fulfilling relationship.

At this stage of my life open relationships work well for me, it’s what I want and I’m mature enough to accept that this may not be everyone’s cup of tea. For me I’m able to show genuine affection and share a deep connection with more than one women without feeling the need for exclusivity. I’m secure enough within myself to respect her right to fuck other guys (or other women if I’m invited 😉 ) without trying to control her. My relationship with her is very individual; I appreciate her for who she is mentally and physically and I value what she brings to the table. If and when this ceases to be true we will part company in a respectful manner without the drama of a messy breakup because the parameters of our relationship have been established from day one.

This is not to say that open relationships don’t have their challenges, of course they do because if you value the other person’s feelings you still have to accommodate them in one way or the other. But for me these are issues that I am prepared to deal with because of the value that I place on these relationships. My stance is not based on the principle of kissing many frogs to find an exclusive princess, it’s based on my honest desire to explore and express myself intimately with multiple partners who all bring something unique to my life.

If and when I do decide to choose an exclusive relationship I intend to refrain from layering on unnecessary expectation and methods of control that ultimately kill attraction.

The Soulmate Myth

We’ve probably all believed it at some stage, the ‘soul mate’ myth – he’s the one, she’s the one, only to find out that they’re not the one at all. They’re simply the one we chose to ‘settle down’ with at the time because it felt right or because we didn’t have any better options.

The more I think about the wide spread myth of ‘the one’, the more and more illogical it seems. In a world inhabited by 7 billion people what is the statistical probability of you bumping in to ‘the one’ in your local supermarket? Obviously upon closer inspection this myth clearly seems like Disneyfied nonsense but we buy in to it anyway. Why? Could it be the widespread social conditioning that encourages us to settle down with ‘the one’, raise a family, follow the rules and live happily ever after if we’re lucky?

The ‘one’ doesn’t exist, we choose ‘one’ who ticks enough of the right boxes and invest in them and our relationship in order to make it work.

The Maturity of Acceptance

Most of our internal reflection happens during moments of adversity and turmoil. When shit goes bad we are forced to analyse the situation in our attempts to rectify it and stem the bleeding. It was during one of these painful moments when I realised the power of acceptance. This is not to be confused with accepting our people’s bullshit, this is about accepting the reality of the situation and directing your energy towards more favorable outcomes.

Our inability to accept reality can often cause us to loose all rational as we attempt to control the uncontrollable, even to the point of murder and suicide in extreme cases. This is a dark dangerous place for the mind to dwell and we have all spent time there to one degree or another.

As I mature as a man I learn how to create my reality through conscious thought and decisive movements. Direct, clear and concise communication is the hallmark of self-awareness – it’s a life long discipline and I’m a keen student. I’m aware that it’s far easier to change my own perspective than to try and change others. This is simple logic but emotions are not logical, emotions dictate that if we want to fuck the hot girl we met in the bar we have to paint a certain picture regardless of how genuine it may or may not be. Who cares right? So long as we achieve our objective and she spreads her legs.

This mentality is rife and it causes us to lie, cheat, bend, manipulate and suck up in order to get the ‘prize’ – sex is not a prize, sex should be mutually rewarding for both parties. But due to our reluctance to allow the chips to fall where they may we now find ourselves in their reality, not ours.

A mature man doesn’t lie, cheat, bend, manipulate or suck up in order to get what he wants. He lays out his stall giving the other person the opportunity to make an informed decision based on a genuine representation of the man before them. Acceptance of reality dictates that if the other person is of a different mindset, we have the discipline to walk away. In doing so we retain control of our reality and may continue to shape our world as we see fit.

Scarcity and a lack of options with the opposite sex often causes many of us to cling to unrealistic expectations of changing a person or trying to be something we are not. Most of us have been there at some stage in our lives and I’m sure we can all attest to the shortcomings of this approach.

The ability to accept reality gives us the power to reframe our perspective and be true to ourselves and others. You may not always get everyone you want, but you will get what you want, and it will be on your own terms.

The truth really does set you free.

BDSM – A Dark Art

Many years ago I started on a journey of sexual exploration. Being more of a lover than a fighter I have always wanted to please my partners and take them to places unknown. In my attempts to understand the motives and desires that drive me I pondered the question and found the answer staring me in the face – in fact the answer was in her face. I’m drawn to raw sexual energy and I enjoy nurturing it. Like a musician playing an instrument I take time to learn the cords, the notes, the rhythm and sound of intense pleasure channeled through a beautiful body and mind – set free.

With my insatiable desire to experience pleasures beyond the confines of the vanilla matrix I stumbled upon the beautiful dark art of BDSM. My experience is far removed from the stereotypes of abusive and emotionally challenged characters depicted by Hollywood’s mainstream interpretations like the now infamous 50 Shades of Grey. Each to their own but for me BDSM is one of the mediums which I use to embrace deep and intense sexual experiences.

I am naturally Dominant, not to be mistaken with ‘Domineering’ – I Dominate by consent and my aim is to take my sub to new places of ecstasy based on her most deepest fantasies by providing her with an environment where she is able to be truly free. Through BDSM I have learnt a new form of communication where we are able to freely describe to each other in glorious colour exactly what we want and how we want it. She submits to me under certain conditions and I take full responsibility for her whilst she is under my control. We establish her boundaries, how far she’ll allow me to push her, how she likes to be dominated, whether she wants me to spank her arse till it goes red, tie her up so she is unable to move, strangle her till she almost passes out, cum in her face or gently stroke her entire body with a feather light touch. We discuss everything and then I go about creating the most erotic script that we will play out between us during our session.

The script is specific and unique, tailored to her. I will detail the events of the entire session usually lasting 1.5 to 2.5 hours depending on the theme. I will detail every position and every act based on my knowledge of what will give her the most intense experience. I will include floggers, paddles, vibrators, rope, handcuffs, blindfolds, butt plugs, wax, various oils and anything else I need to create the perfect script for her.

This is a massive learning experience for both parties based on trust and a strong mutual desire to please the other. I have come to the realisation that for me, submission seems to flow both ways as we are bound in servitude to each other’s pleasure.

Whilst in session I assume the role of ‘Dominant’ and I carry this out to the fullest degree. What this means is that with the trust and responsibility placed in me I take her on a journey where she can completely let go and enjoy knowing that I have control of the situation. However this is far from Disney and things don’t always go according to plan. Sometimes I can push her to far, or not far enough. Sometimes she’ll try to test my authority when I’m breaking her in. Sometimes I’ll need to discipline her with force or sometimes I’ll need to give her a warm embrace. Sometimes I’ll fuck her like a dirty whore and sometimes I’ll pluck her gently like a delicate flower. Throughout this whole experience I’m learning how to tune in to her body and mind, I watch closely paying attention to her every response, her heart rate, breathing patterns, perspiration, involuntary nerve spasms, eye movement, crying, screaming, scratching, teeth grinding – any and everything that may come to the surface. I try to capture it all and use it to guide me like a compass as we explore this beautiful terrain of ‘Bondage, Dominance, Sadism & Masochism’ otherwise known as ‘B.D.S.M’

What we are dealing with here is the fight for sexual freedom. We are dealing with the confines of everyday life, the control of the Matrix, the shackles of expectation, the judgment of close-minded people and the inability to embrace our essence as sexual creatures. BDSM (as well as many other forms of self realisation) provides a doorway to a world where we can just ‘be’ – in the moment, in ourselves and in each other. It’s the intense connection and the raw sexual energy the way nature intended.

This is what I look for – but not all are suitable, in fact a good sub is exceptionally hard to find. She’s hard to find because you can’t create her, you can only help to unlock what is already buried deep inside.

This is my interpretation of the every elusive, shape shifting dynamics of BDSM embraced by a Deviant mind unplugged. Sex is mental.